Photo Credit: gcwest
I debated whether I should write this post. I thought it might overshadow my other posts, and I would forever be known as the poop guy. Screw it. This stuff is worth knowing.
The goal here is to teach you how to have a healthy stool that comes out quick and easy (great mental images, am I right?). Here are a few tips that take you through the process:
1. Eat plenty of fiber.
2. Wait until you have to go.
If you poop too early, you might end up sitting on the toilet for a while trying to force something that just does not want to happen. Your stool should look like type 3 or 4. If you do not give your digestive system some time, your feces will not have time to get its act together.
3. Check for toilet paper before sitting down.
Whether it be a stall, your friend’s bathroom, or your own bathroom, always check for toilet paper before pooping. Make it a habit. You do not want to suffer the shame of having to call out for someone to bring you something to wipe your butt with.
4. Drop toilet paper in the bowl to avoid splashback.
Before you do your business, drop some toilet paper into the bowl. The paper acts as a cushion, so you won’t get toilet water splashback on your rear end when you unleash that massive deuce.
5. Lift the knees.
Humans are meant to squat over a hole in the forest when they defecate. The closer you can get to a squat on the toilet, the better. You can accomplish this in a few ways. The first way is by getting a low lying toilet. The second is by using a stool for your feet to rest on. Of course, you can always head into the backyard with a shovel. Whatever you do, I would not recommend squatting with your feet on the toilet seat unless you want to risk shattered porcelain.
6. Rock back and forth.
Rock your body back and forth if you have trouble grunting that puppy out (but seriously, you should not be grunting at all). Rocking allows your muscles to relax and the job to get done a little bit easier.
7. Get it wet.
If you followed all the tips so far, clean up should be no problem. But a little bit of moisture won’t hurt. Use wet wipes for a thorough clean up. If you are feeling extra fancy, try a bidet. Also, if you both shower and poop in the morning like any sane person, schedule the shower for after the toilet time.
If you follow these steps and still have trouble in the pooping department, or if your stool is an odd color, then go talk to a doctor.
Good luck in your pooping endeavors. Remember to have fun!